I stopped counting.
I stopped weighing.
And now my clothes are tight.
I put on my favourite red cardi-coat from last year and my arms feel tight in it.
Ya see, here’s where we’re all “stuck” in the Catch 22 of all things weight loss.
To lose weight there is something that is universal: calories in vs. calories out. Now I don’t want to hear the whole “calorie counting debate” because this part is science and it’s universal regardless if you count them or how you count them. Of course there are other factors and I’m not saying things don’t factor in, but that is the basic principle.
Some people get along just fine not having to count calories. Apparently I am not one of those people.
Apparently if you listen to your body 24/7 it should tell you when and how much and what to eat. With all the high speed of life zooming around at all times, I don’t know how people manage to stop and listen. I can listen for about 10 seconds and I get distracted by how good the damn thing tastes.
Here’s the Catch 22: to ensure you are achieving a calorie deficit to achieve weight loss, counting is required (read: it is for ME). In doing so, you (read: I) drive yourself crazy trying to control all the factors that could muck it up. I mean after all, you ARE putting all of this mental time and energy into the planning and preparation to achieve this “holy calorie deficit” after all, so the last thing you need is for some simple little rookie mistake like not measuring to muck it up if you can at all help it. You know it’s true.
So then all of this mental preparation then leads to feelings of deprivation which in my case is always theoretical because I always can have whatever I damn well want and all I have to do is count it. But it’s all in the “idea” that you “shouldn’t.” I’ve never deprived myself of anything that I truly wanted. But even still, you feel it just the same. This all made so much sense when I read Intuitive Eating. Never could “get there,” but I agree and identified with most things in the book along the way.
So there in lies the “catch” for me. I need to count, but I’ve been at this for so bloody long that I just plain don’t want to for long, then I get the deprivation bug or whatever it is, stop and hence my clothes are tight. For at least the last year (two?) I end up backed into a corner feeling desperate to have to start counting again in order to “ensure” that I’m going to get the results and I always get tired of it and then stop.
This never happened when I lost 130 lbs and was in the “zone.” There WAS no stopping me. My eye was on the prize and that was it. Period. No excuse or opportunity to cheat on myself was ever accepted. I reached my original goal of 170 lbs and hot ding – wow! The biggest most amazing accomplishment of my entire life and while I still have many years of wonderful accomplishments of other kinds to enjoy in my life, this one by far almost identifies who I am to myself. I then decided to lower my goal. Now I’m in the 180’s “somewhere” (to afraid to look) and I’ve realized that I’d be happy to stay at 170 just fine. Yeah I’m 5’4” and the charts say this and all that crap, but I don’t really care about that. I know where I feel that I can live happily and that’s where it is.
Now a lot of major life events have occurred in our family over the last few years and I am only human. Maybe I wasn’t quite human during the bulk of my weight loss, but I am now ;-)
Thankfully I made a promise to myself many years ago and a good friend is holding me to it. Details to come ;-)
Thank you for your continued support. I love you all. More than you know.
32 comments:
Angie "all the way" is:
Smart.
Resilient.
Committed.
Lovely.
Sensible.
One thing I've admired, and come back to now and again, is the little description in your sidebar, that's been there forever. You say:
So, I'm in this for the long haul people, permanently, All The Way to acheiving my goals!
The good thing? There's no timeline, or deadline, or end-point to "all the way". We're all works in progress, aren't we? Really, that's the beautiful thing: through any and all self-improvement, we still can be better.
And along the way (all the way!), we make one-another better as we cheer on, and celebrate the small and big successes.
Love ya, girl.
OK, Maria just made me tear up. That girl writes the BEST comments. :)
And all I have to say to you my friend is "God love ya, you can do it!". You don't need me to tell you that...sounds like the motivation train has arrived at your house just fine.
toooot tooooot
Ang
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You are amazing. Plain and simple, you are super-human and one of the strongest, most wonderful people that I've ever had the pleasure of calling my friend.
In your short life, you've been through more than most of us will go through ever. You're the poster child for strength and perseverance. You're our hero.
Clearly, you're beautiful. You were beautiful at 298 lbs and you are beautiful now at 180 something.... I look at pictures of you at 170 and can't imagine what you'd look like smaller....it seems to be that you're perfect JUST the way you are.
I'll be here for you, ever single step of the journey, as you've been there for me, and I'll watch you get to where YOU want to be. Not where some chart TELLS you you're supposed to be.
And then we'll celebrate together....
It's so funny how, regardless of where we are at in our weight loss, we all go through similar hurdles. Just the other day I blogged about something similar, the feeling of being trapped by this number of consumption...
You're SUCH an inspiration to so many people (myself included), don't you forget that!
Take care,
Jenny
All I can say is I think you're amazing. I have no answers... only questions, but I TOTALLY agree with Maria. There is no deadline. I ask myself all the time why it is sometimes easy and sometimes impossible. Again, no answers. But I DO believe that an easy day will come. They always do eventually, just like the impossible days. I deal with the bad and thank the Lord for the good. And keep reading the Hallibloggers in the meantime =-)
I have lately been getting tired of counting all the time, too. Sometimes I take days off, and I almost invariably gain weight on those days. I got to 240-ish lbs by eating whatever I wanted and listening my body. My body said, "I just want to eat, and I don't care about anything else. Nom nom nom."
My body still says that most days, and I have to fight against it. It does get tiring. But if the alternative is to slowly creep back up to 240 lbs (or higher), then I guess I'll count most days whether I want to or not.
Try not to beat yourself up over a few pounds Ang. Remember (and this isn't an excuse) that we inherite those genes. It's not ALL your fault for how you gain weight. It is your fault however what you put in your mouth and how you burn those calories off.
Some people are unable to add a few pounds and some people are unable to loose a few pounds.
Any time I ever lost weight, I had to work my ass of burning calories and eating way less calories than I normally would. (So of course I was depriving myself all the time)That was the only way it would work for me. I actually would burn off most of the calories I put into my body in order to loose the weight. Yes I know it wasn't the proper way to loose the weight and no doubt the unhealthy way. But it worked for me. I eventually put the weight back on. BUT I put it back on because I didn't exercise and I went back to the way I ate before I lost the weight. I think if I had of kept up with the exercises it would of made a difference. A good metabolism is what helps you keep the weight off. Right?
You came a long way Ang. Remember that!!!!!!!!!
You are a beautiful person inside and out and your the only one that needs to be happy with your body. If your active and eat healthy (which you do both) and don't have any other complications in your life like high blood pressure, high cholestrole,diabetes and things like that, then why stress yourself out over a few pounds. You will eventually loose it again. You know that, I know that, all your readers know that. Because your you. Angie who is on a life long journey all the way ;)
I am a new reader to your blog, but this is what I needed to read today. This week was my "recommitment" week. I lost my mom almost two months ago, and frankly I just stopped worrying about my weight loss. I have about 14 or so pounds to lose to be where I want to be and I'm having a hard time getting up the motivation. It does take work to write everything down and it is a pain to watch other people eat whatever they want and you do feel deprived, but I'm trying to remind myself that this is an achievement I'll be proud of someday.
Thanks!
#1 How can I get Maria to be my friend and cheerleader. Dude, we all need a Maria in our lives. Holler.
#2. Girl. GIRL! You said it with this post. This is kinda where my mind has been at these last few months as I continue to see my weight crrreeeeeeppppp up. I am about to be corny for a minute - One time I heard Oprah say, "I will always have to stay conscious of my weight." Actually I don't know what she REALLY said, I just remember the message being that some people will have to be conscious of what they eat and how much they exercise and/or count points their whole life and when she just accepted that fact, it didn't seem such a struggle. Whether that has worked for her, who knows but that message spoke to me. I realize I am just going to have to be one of those people no matter what strides I make losing weight, I will always have to work harder to keep my weight off. It's kinda liberating accepting that fact. I'm just speaking for me and are in now way talking about you...just was going off your post. It spoke to me. :)Thank you for writing this. You're a pretty wise woman. Articulated beautifully!
#3 If you got through all that, bless you. :)
Okay, first of all, Cat and Maria said it beautifully.
And I agree with a lot of the others. Don't beat yourself up for a few pounds.
Honey, I have gained much more than 10 lbs and I beat myself up EVERY single day. It's the days that I accept that it can be changed and that only I can change it are the days that are the best, and the days where I am proactive.
It's a hard truth to learn that it's something you are going to have to do forever. But at least you know you won't be alone for the journey.
What everybody else said.
H =)
Thank you for sharing this. What you wrote is exactly what's happened to me over the past few years. I got down to my lowest weight a few years ago and stayed within 10-15 pounds. I got rid of my only accountability the scale a few months ago and I am up a few pounds now. I am still trying to figure it all out without having to count something for my entire life. I still haven't figured it out, but if you do, please share with us all ;)
You have accomplished much and are quite the inspiration. You have kept the weight off for a long time, which is not the norm. In short you are awesome!
Maria: RYC: Maria THANK YOU! You took my breath away and broke me down. Thank you so so so much! You are SUCH a special girl!
Jaime: Thanks buddy ;-)
Cat: You always have a special nonstop ticket straight to my heart. Thank you very, very much. Your support is one of the strongest there is MWAH!
Jenny: THANK YOU. In fact, I never thank you ENOUGH for ALWAYS being there for me. You are amazing and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Kim: Thank you Kim for your comment. Your support means so very much to me ;-)
Jessie: THANK YOU!!! Girl, I totally get what you said. Whatever it was that O said is true. It's unrealistic to believe that "one day" magically all of our thoughts about food that is ingrained will all of a sudden disappear. The best we can do is accept them and work around them ;-)
Thank you again ;-)
HM2009: Thank you ;-) You KNOW how much I appreciate you! I still don't buy the genetic thing though, I can't help it! xo
Lainey: Girl, you always make me giggle, thank you ;-)
Nancy: I am SO very sorry to hear that you lost your Mom. That is SOO hard :-( Thank you for reading my blog and THANK YOU for commenting. It's important to keep everything in perspective, isn't it?
Jen: I can always count on you and your sweetness. You are more than right about our fate being in our hands! ;-)
Angie, there is nothing wrong with your clothes feeling tight. Sometimes we go up, sometimes we go down. Sometimes (but rarely!) we stay the same. You're in an "up." But you know what to do to bring that back "down."
And don't we all wish we could do that intuitive eating thing? But for some people it's really hard. Okay. For MOST people it's really hard! I haven't counted calories in over 6 months, but I still find myself doing the tallies in my head and looking up the counts of new foods. Food measuring and weighing is just something I'll always have to do. Period.
It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You should be able to go back and forth with counting as you need to and not feel guilty about it. To me, losing weight was the easy part. Keeping it off is a whole other ballgame. I still think you're doing a fabulous job because you've realized it's time to do something about it. That right there is why you'll continue to be successful with your weight loss :D
I totally am with you, girl!
I don't think I'll EVER be able to stop counting calories and recording my food!
You'll get back on track and I agree with what Maria said, you'll achieve your goals and remember there is no deadline!
;)
You already know my feelings on the subject. I ♥ you chickie!
Angie, I can sooooo relate to everything you are saying. All I have to say is that you - we can do this! We can! I know it. I feel it. We will figure this out. It IS for the long haul. We will not be a statistic of those who have lost and regained it all. This is a minor glitch in this weight loss journey. We are learning a lot about our bodies and how to live in this world with rotating temptations. We'll make it through, Angie and we will remain successful. YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL. You have DONE IT! And you will keep on keeping on!
You're the best!
Let me tell you something, Ang.
Of all the things I remember from all the blogs I read? I remember the day you posted the picture in the khaki that is in your sidebar now (didn't the slit in the skirt split or something?). I remember thinking that if you could do it, I could do it. You have inspired me for a long time. You still do.
Girl, if you were happy at 180-something, you know I'd support you and cheer on your workouts and your eats. But if you're not happy there, you know what works for you to fix it. We all learn what works for us. And we know what doesn't work. And I admire you for realizing and admitting and taking action at 180-something. My denial and laziness and stubbornness is why my weight found me after I lost it the first time.
As for calorie counting? I do it. Unapologetically. And I love it. I have a fun app on my phone and I track calories every day- every bite, every minute of exercise. I have a goal that I want to be under. My net calorie goal. Some days? I eat way over my goal because I know I'm gonna work my butt off at the gym. It's those days that I get the extra slice of cheese on my sandwich at lunch or I have half of a chocolate milk in the afternoon. I use the days I'm burning a lot of calories to work in a treat to keep me from feeling deprived.
But what has made the biggest difference for me this time is my focus on real food. I know we both think that is important. And when I think of what I am putting into my body, I also think about how much I am putting into my body. And I'm much more likely to overdo it on crap - Pepsi, milkshakes, cheetos, candy bars - things that I do not eat anymore. It is easy sometimes to overdo the cheese or the bread, but I'm not going to be perfect every day. I'm not eating a ton of ice cream or cookies or crackers anymore. And any mistake I make today isn't going to ruin the work I've done so far. I just have to learn from my mistake.
Are there times that I feel deprived? Days I'm pissed that I didn't eat a piece of cake? Yeah! But you know what I do? As soon as possible, I put on my fat pants. And then it's okay again.
Here's the thing, babe. This weight loss and maintenance thing is hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it. But you are committed to yourself. And so are we.
You are so much healthier now than before. I am so proud of you.
Oh darlin' roomie...
The fabulous ladies above me have already said so much...
You were beautiful at your highest, and you're beautiful now - you, and only you, can figure out where you're happy with your weight. And whatever you need from your BB's - you let us know...
xoxo.
Ang, oh Ang.
You are an absolute inspiration to SO many women (and men!) Like what has been mentioned above - you have gone through so much in your life and are living to tell the story and continue in the journey.
You are here for a reason - and what you've gone through has been for a reason.
You are an incredibly strong woman with an amazing head on her shoulders and I am so glad to call you my friend!
You are beautiful. You have always been beautiful. Your smile can light up the dimmest of rooms.
Remember: Be true to yourself. :)
xoxoxo
I feel ya! The feeling of my pants today made me dig out my Biggest Loser DVDs. We always end up getting back on the wagon, right?
Ditto to what everyone else said. You have achieved so much and have had an amazing journey thus far. Enjoy it and look forward with excitement and backwards with pride.
Angie -
I've been reading your blog for some time and never commented. I'm new to all this - but I feel I'm stuck at the same point as you. In the zone a while back - and it was wonderful. But now, after the loss, it's hard to go back to the basics and count. We all know how to do it - but why is it so hard? Good luck to you. But as others have said - it is a lifelong journey and tho this may be a cloudy time, you will come to a brighter time soon. You are smart enough to know where you've been and moving forward is the only option.
I counted calories for a long time and didn't mind doing it and then suddenly it got to the point where I just couldn't do it any more. I have tried and tried to start again, but I just can't seem to stick with it. I know I should because I'm seeing the same thing happen - I've started putting on weight, but I don't know how to get back to it. I have been thinking about trying again though - I feel like I have to do something.
All of which is to say - I hear ya.
I love you all. You are ALWAYS there for me and I consider you all very dear friends. You are all such amazing women ;-)
I love the real-ness of this post. Good for you.
I agree with all the previous commenters. Yes, you can do it! And you will find what works for you long term at this point in your journey.
I have noticed for myself that one danger that comes with not counting calories or points or whatever, is slowly sliding into the "not being accountable zone." What I mean by that is that it's tempting/dangerous/so easy to not hold yourself accountable for what you eat.
At this point, I am not counting anything, but I am very conscious to hold myself accountable each and every day and each and every meal. It seems to be working right now.
But I also think it's important to stay flexible and be willing to adjust things. So I'll see how this goes.
Again, you will find what works at this point in your journey. You have already come so incredible far!
Reason I dislike calorie counting, you get so stuck on the number of calories you ate, the number of calories you can eat, you should eat.. you lose perspective of why you are doing it in the first place.
Just found this blog and want to say: Grats on losing 130lbs, that's awesome! You look great too!
Hey Angie!
I wish I had words of wisdom. Maintenance is much harder I think than losing because it's just doing the same thing over and over. There really is no zone of maintenance, it's something you just do and it requires thought and energy just like losing.
I go through cycles of up and down, but really try to limit them to less than 10 pounds, anything more than that for me feels like a creep in way the wrong direction. I hate feeling so out of control especially when I have come so far (down 185 pounds). It's like, this should be the easy part, look at all I have learned and figured out, why can't I figure out how to get rid of these last few pounds.
I think the answer is don't try. Try and maintain. This realization took me forever to come to. When we get down there at first there is always a bounce.... But after that, do you bounce back up or down. Or just stay, for those of us who are trying to lose the last ten, I thin we should just try and maintain, I wasted a couple of years on that instead of focusing on maintenance.
You have the best readers! Or should I say, the best friends.
I don't know what more I can add to enhance all the wonderful advice and support you have already gotten here today. But I just want you to know that you are a real inspiration to me as a person, as a dieter and as a blogger.
I think you are a beautiful woman inside and out and whatever you decide you need to do, I'll be here reading and supporting you and feeling strong by association with you.
Angie i don't know what i can add that hasn't already been said. I love how honest and real you are.
Everyone's journey is different and finding what works best for you is part of that journey.
Keep on smiling :)
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